Crisis
16 juni 2008 - Lincoln City, Oregon, Verenigde Staten
I really really wanted to write something about all the fun stuff thatis going on around here, because besides all the hard working, we dosome nice things as well ofcourse.
Butthe stress did continue on this week and I really feel like writingthat down first and get it of my chest. So, 2 days ago, I felt a littlebit like I was having an off day. My supervisor came to check up withme (they do that once in a while just to make shure if there'ssomething on your mind that they should be aware of) So I told her thatI still tought that everything was going so fast but that I also knowwhy that is and that the feelings that I had are part of the game andthat more people feel this way. She said that they really didn't wantto give us a hard time and that things will get better once the kidswill arrive. So I tried not to really worry about it.
In the eveningwe had a nice dance-thing going on were we had to dress up silly and doa line dance. It was funny and after that we would have free time.NOT!
Thebell rang: the bell only rings if we have to get togheter for somethingimportant and when camp is open the bell will ring if a camper is lost.
It was an emergency drill and we had to practice as if a camper was lost.
Wehad 2 minutes to get everything we needed to search camp. I had shortson so I ran to my cabin were my cloths were. But I also thought about aflashlight but that was in another place and I didn't have enough time.
So me and another boy had to search the dunes between ranch and theriver. We ran up there but we felt really confused. What did they meanwith ranch? Did they mean the place where the ranch girls sleep? Or didthey mean they barn where the horses are? And even if we knew, it issuch a large aera! We also didn't know in what amount of time we had tofind the lost camper. We didn't know there was really a person hidingfrom us that we had to found, or if it was just pretend. We didn't knowif, if there was really a person, if that person was really hidingbetween the bushes or would just be standing somewhere. So we ran andwe searched and called out the campers name. But we didn't findanything. We came back to camp togheter with 2 other groups and toldthat we didn't find anything. They made us go back because we had tosearch more near the river. I said that I didn't had a flashlight butthe other groups had one which we could use.
I said that I wanted tostay togheter then, they said yes, but run anyway. I was now withanother girl who couldn't run that fast. A rule here is that you can'twalk alone especially at dusk, dawn or dark. So I walked with herbecause I didn't wanted her to walk by herself. It was getting darkerand I got a little pissed off. Why did they made us do this on thatday? It had been visitors day and we all woke up at 6.45 am. And theyare always so strict about not walking on the roads at dawn/dusk/darkbecause of the wildlife. It was getting dark, cold, late and I wastired.
In my mind I understanded that in case of a real crisis,you'll also will not really know what's going on and that it can happenin the middle of the night. I understand that they wanted to understandwhat a crisis felt like and that we should be prepared. But for my bodyit was just really too much! i couldn't handle it anymore. We had somuch staff training going on, it was just all to much.
So we cameback again and of course we had to evaluate the training. I sat there,but I just couldn't speak. I felt exhausted and I wanted to cry.Finally at 11.30 we could go to bed and I felt terrible. I went to theLC (we as supervisors sleep there, but now we sleep with the counselorsin cabins to get to know each other) and just broke down. 2 other boyswhere their and i talkef a little while with them about the situation.I decided that I wanted to sleep in the LC and I grabbed my stuff inthe cabin and asked a girl for help. I asked her if she would tell thesupervisors that I wanted to sleep alone. I also worried about mykaper,( everyday we have different kapers per unit) I had to get up at6 to feed the horses but she said that I could skip this one and neededto sleep. She waked back to the LC with me and we had a nice talk. Sheis also an international and this was her second year. She shared withme that she felt the exact same way last year and that she neverexperienced camp this hard as it is now. She said that it also took heruntill session 2 until she started to feel normal and even up tosession 4 till she started loving this place. She assured me that thiswas just the hard part and that we have more free time when the campersarrive and that I am a UC so that I get to make my own schedules andthat I can do it! So that was very nice and she gave me a hug and Iwent to bed.
Finally some rest and I tried to clear my mind and fall asleep.
Iwas hardly in bed for maybe 30 or 45 minutes as there was knocking onmy door. It was the same girl again accompanied with another girl andshe told me to get up. I didn't understand what was going on. She saidthat we had to sleep in the lodge all togheter. I tought: way me? Youknow I am not feeling well. She said something about fireworks and apractical joke. I asked: is tis a joke or an emergency? It was anemergency!
Turned out, in the time that I went to bed, there werepeople on our property that shoot firework from out of the dunes at ourlodge! One of the fireworks putt grass on fire! People blushed the fireand they all ran around the dunes with flashlights to scare the peopleaway. For the security we all had to sleep togheter. But, some peoplecouldn't sleep so they decided to keep talking untill about 1.30 am. Iwas sooo tired and I wanted to sleep sooo bad. I felt like I was beingtortured and going insane in my mind. A friend of mine holded me untilI fall asleep.
The next morning all activities were canceled because more people where exhausted and shocked.
Thatwas good, but I still had a huge headache. They told us that we had theafternoon of, but we did have to follow a ebby-pen training with thenurse now because she was leaving at noon.
So I sat there and I tried to listen (we also had to make a test) but I just couldn't.
Imaginethat you're very tired and that every 2 minutes someone slaps you onthe had. That was how I was feeling, trouble opening my eyes, headache,tired, aching muscles, shaking body.
I went to the toilets and criedagain, my whole body was shaking. I really wanted to stop everythingthat I was doing, I just felt like it was all over my head. Grace, thegirl where I spend my night in Portland with, came in and comforted me.I asked her to tell the supervisors that I wouldn't participate in thetraining anymore and was going to the nurse.
I got to talk withthe nurse, she asked me questions about how I was feeling and fittingin the group. I explained to her that I have no problem with speakingEnglish and that I liked the group and my work position. I also cankeep up with the level on which we are trained on. I even on a rationallevel understand why we get trained so intense and the importance ofall the subjects.
My only problem was that it was just all too much,too fast, too intense in a short amount off time without much sleep andno brakes. It was just enough!
The nurse thought that I was able todo my job and that I was intelligent and strong enough and that theydidn't wanted to lose me. She wanted me to get a day off, with ashower, tea and a full night sleep. I agreed. The supervisors joined inand they said that everyone was getting the afternoon off after lunch.I went to the LC and I didn't really understand if I was supposed to beup again with everybody but I didn't really care anymore off what theywanted from me and I was not hungry anyway so I skipped lunch and wentto sleep.
I woke up at 5 pm. I was still tired but I felt not as emotional and fragile anymore.
I got up to grab some food, wrote in my travel diary and listened to some music.
Italked to some people about that I didn't knew what the plan for thenight was but that if they wanted me to participate, they should comeand get me.
And they did haha ofcourse. My supervisor (dreamer)asked me if I tought that I was able to do this job for the summer andthat she was worried about me.
I told her that I really want to workher, that I am not homesick and not down about me being here. That Iunderstand my responsibilities and can keep up with the level. But thatI just thought that it was a roller coaster and the where asking tomuch. That my head was full and I can't digest more information withouta little break. She said that she understands that, but that I also gotthe whole day off and that I am a leader so I should participate withthe group and that they were also paying me. I said that that is alittle unfair to say, because if someone has a fever, they we're alsoallowed to lay in bed all day. Her responds to that was that they alsoencourage people with a fever to join the group and that they only keepthem in bed so that they would not be contagious to others. Well, Ididn't really agree but I got my act togheter and joined the activities. Lucky enough the activities we're pretty nice and not too tiring.
Last night I slept wonderful and I feel like my old self again! The camp director asked me how I was feeling. Throughout the last couple of days people are really sweet and concerned about each other. I don't want to make it sounds like this is like hell or people are really mean, we do a lot of nice things as well, but every now and then it is j ust to overwhelming.
Next time I will update about all the nice staff that we do! Promise!
Butthe stress did continue on this week and I really feel like writingthat down first and get it of my chest. So, 2 days ago, I felt a littlebit like I was having an off day. My supervisor came to check up withme (they do that once in a while just to make shure if there'ssomething on your mind that they should be aware of) So I told her thatI still tought that everything was going so fast but that I also knowwhy that is and that the feelings that I had are part of the game andthat more people feel this way. She said that they really didn't wantto give us a hard time and that things will get better once the kidswill arrive. So I tried not to really worry about it.
In the eveningwe had a nice dance-thing going on were we had to dress up silly and doa line dance. It was funny and after that we would have free time.NOT!
Thebell rang: the bell only rings if we have to get togheter for somethingimportant and when camp is open the bell will ring if a camper is lost.
It was an emergency drill and we had to practice as if a camper was lost.
Wehad 2 minutes to get everything we needed to search camp. I had shortson so I ran to my cabin were my cloths were. But I also thought about aflashlight but that was in another place and I didn't have enough time.
So me and another boy had to search the dunes between ranch and theriver. We ran up there but we felt really confused. What did they meanwith ranch? Did they mean the place where the ranch girls sleep? Or didthey mean they barn where the horses are? And even if we knew, it issuch a large aera! We also didn't know in what amount of time we had tofind the lost camper. We didn't know there was really a person hidingfrom us that we had to found, or if it was just pretend. We didn't knowif, if there was really a person, if that person was really hidingbetween the bushes or would just be standing somewhere. So we ran andwe searched and called out the campers name. But we didn't findanything. We came back to camp togheter with 2 other groups and toldthat we didn't find anything. They made us go back because we had tosearch more near the river. I said that I didn't had a flashlight butthe other groups had one which we could use.
I said that I wanted tostay togheter then, they said yes, but run anyway. I was now withanother girl who couldn't run that fast. A rule here is that you can'twalk alone especially at dusk, dawn or dark. So I walked with herbecause I didn't wanted her to walk by herself. It was getting darkerand I got a little pissed off. Why did they made us do this on thatday? It had been visitors day and we all woke up at 6.45 am. And theyare always so strict about not walking on the roads at dawn/dusk/darkbecause of the wildlife. It was getting dark, cold, late and I wastired.
In my mind I understanded that in case of a real crisis,you'll also will not really know what's going on and that it can happenin the middle of the night. I understand that they wanted to understandwhat a crisis felt like and that we should be prepared. But for my bodyit was just really too much! i couldn't handle it anymore. We had somuch staff training going on, it was just all to much.
So we cameback again and of course we had to evaluate the training. I sat there,but I just couldn't speak. I felt exhausted and I wanted to cry.Finally at 11.30 we could go to bed and I felt terrible. I went to theLC (we as supervisors sleep there, but now we sleep with the counselorsin cabins to get to know each other) and just broke down. 2 other boyswhere their and i talkef a little while with them about the situation.I decided that I wanted to sleep in the LC and I grabbed my stuff inthe cabin and asked a girl for help. I asked her if she would tell thesupervisors that I wanted to sleep alone. I also worried about mykaper,( everyday we have different kapers per unit) I had to get up at6 to feed the horses but she said that I could skip this one and neededto sleep. She waked back to the LC with me and we had a nice talk. Sheis also an international and this was her second year. She shared withme that she felt the exact same way last year and that she neverexperienced camp this hard as it is now. She said that it also took heruntill session 2 until she started to feel normal and even up tosession 4 till she started loving this place. She assured me that thiswas just the hard part and that we have more free time when the campersarrive and that I am a UC so that I get to make my own schedules andthat I can do it! So that was very nice and she gave me a hug and Iwent to bed.
Finally some rest and I tried to clear my mind and fall asleep.
Iwas hardly in bed for maybe 30 or 45 minutes as there was knocking onmy door. It was the same girl again accompanied with another girl andshe told me to get up. I didn't understand what was going on. She saidthat we had to sleep in the lodge all togheter. I tought: way me? Youknow I am not feeling well. She said something about fireworks and apractical joke. I asked: is tis a joke or an emergency? It was anemergency!
Turned out, in the time that I went to bed, there werepeople on our property that shoot firework from out of the dunes at ourlodge! One of the fireworks putt grass on fire! People blushed the fireand they all ran around the dunes with flashlights to scare the peopleaway. For the security we all had to sleep togheter. But, some peoplecouldn't sleep so they decided to keep talking untill about 1.30 am. Iwas sooo tired and I wanted to sleep sooo bad. I felt like I was beingtortured and going insane in my mind. A friend of mine holded me untilI fall asleep.
The next morning all activities were canceled because more people where exhausted and shocked.
Thatwas good, but I still had a huge headache. They told us that we had theafternoon of, but we did have to follow a ebby-pen training with thenurse now because she was leaving at noon.
So I sat there and I tried to listen (we also had to make a test) but I just couldn't.
Imaginethat you're very tired and that every 2 minutes someone slaps you onthe had. That was how I was feeling, trouble opening my eyes, headache,tired, aching muscles, shaking body.
I went to the toilets and criedagain, my whole body was shaking. I really wanted to stop everythingthat I was doing, I just felt like it was all over my head. Grace, thegirl where I spend my night in Portland with, came in and comforted me.I asked her to tell the supervisors that I wouldn't participate in thetraining anymore and was going to the nurse.
I got to talk withthe nurse, she asked me questions about how I was feeling and fittingin the group. I explained to her that I have no problem with speakingEnglish and that I liked the group and my work position. I also cankeep up with the level on which we are trained on. I even on a rationallevel understand why we get trained so intense and the importance ofall the subjects.
My only problem was that it was just all too much,too fast, too intense in a short amount off time without much sleep andno brakes. It was just enough!
The nurse thought that I was able todo my job and that I was intelligent and strong enough and that theydidn't wanted to lose me. She wanted me to get a day off, with ashower, tea and a full night sleep. I agreed. The supervisors joined inand they said that everyone was getting the afternoon off after lunch.I went to the LC and I didn't really understand if I was supposed to beup again with everybody but I didn't really care anymore off what theywanted from me and I was not hungry anyway so I skipped lunch and wentto sleep.
I woke up at 5 pm. I was still tired but I felt not as emotional and fragile anymore.
I got up to grab some food, wrote in my travel diary and listened to some music.
Italked to some people about that I didn't knew what the plan for thenight was but that if they wanted me to participate, they should comeand get me.
And they did haha ofcourse. My supervisor (dreamer)asked me if I tought that I was able to do this job for the summer andthat she was worried about me.
I told her that I really want to workher, that I am not homesick and not down about me being here. That Iunderstand my responsibilities and can keep up with the level. But thatI just thought that it was a roller coaster and the where asking tomuch. That my head was full and I can't digest more information withouta little break. She said that she understands that, but that I also gotthe whole day off and that I am a leader so I should participate withthe group and that they were also paying me. I said that that is alittle unfair to say, because if someone has a fever, they we're alsoallowed to lay in bed all day. Her responds to that was that they alsoencourage people with a fever to join the group and that they only keepthem in bed so that they would not be contagious to others. Well, Ididn't really agree but I got my act togheter and joined the activities. Lucky enough the activities we're pretty nice and not too tiring.
Last night I slept wonderful and I feel like my old self again! The camp director asked me how I was feeling. Throughout the last couple of days people are really sweet and concerned about each other. I don't want to make it sounds like this is like hell or people are really mean, we do a lot of nice things as well, but every now and then it is j ust to overwhelming.
Next time I will update about all the nice staff that we do! Promise!
I just read the whole story. Unbelievable that those guys make your life so miserable. I hope you will experience the same things as your friend did. So that you will like the job within a few weeks (hopefully days). I am pretty sure, you will find your way over there. Just take care baby.
Arjan
wat een boel weer jeeeezus! je moet idd echt heel hard werken en ik snap dat zij een bepaalde prestatie van je willen en dus vind ik het heel dapper dat je gewoon je hart blijft volgen en blijft kiezen voor wat voor jou het beste voelt. als je op bent ben je op en als je kan kan je weer. ik ben heel benieuwd naar alle leuke dingen die jullie doen ;)!
liefje hou van jou en spreek je snel!
dikke kussssssssss
Vervelend voor je dat je de afgelopen dagen weer zo zwaar voor je waren!!
Ik hoop voor je dat je nu echt een beetje rust in jezelf hebt gevonden en dat je van alle leuke dingen kan genieten!
Het is goed dat je steeds aangeeft als het te veel wordt.
Succes nog de komende dagen!
Ik hoop snel wat van je te horen.
Kus
keep your head up
x
Je begrijpt wel dat ik als moedertje geneigd ben om me zorgen te gaan maken als ik dit allemaal lees. Ik hoop heel erg dat je een balans zult kunnen vinden voor jezelf om toch aan de rust te komen die je zo nodig hebt. (Wat denk waarom zoveel mensen mediteren, om hun hoofd leeg te maken!).
Anyway, de mind - body balans is erg belangrijk, toch kan een mens vaak meer dan ie denkt. Probeer het ook te zien als een geweldige training om je sterk te maken, door te zetten, grenzen te verleggen. Later als je erop terugkijkt zul je trots op jezelf zijn! Je hebt moeilijkheden overwonnen, bent uitdagingen aangegaan en hebt jezelf overtroffen. Probeer tussendoor, ook op momenten dat je niet gestresst nbent, (misschien juist op die momenten), ontspanningsoefeningen te doen. Ik schrijf hier over nog wel wat meer in een prive mail.
Hou je goed lieverd, you can do it!
Ik hou van je schat, dikke knuffel!
Lucienne
Ook ik schrok wel even net als Luciennne, van je lange verhaal en dacht waar ben je nu in terrecht
gekomen! ( het leger,een sekte,trainingskamp??)Ik kreeg er een beetje naar gevoel over.
Maar hopelijk gaan er nu gauw leuke dingen gebeuren
als de kinderen komen,en jij bent een hele sterke meid jij gaat het wel redden.
Ik hoop dat er nu een fijne tijd voor je aanbreekt met minder stress,en dat je denkt,daar heb ik het allemaal voor gedaan! Heel veel plezier en(sterkte)
met alles,ik ben trots op je!
Liefs Ankie.